gavel

We are Poly..

We are a male /female couple and we are currently looking for another woman to share our life with. I guess we are called unicorn hunters.  This term has taken on a negative view for some people. However I really think that it is unfair to be judged so harshly. Why can’t people make choices about how they want to live, who they want to love and how they chose to label or not label themselves?

I know this seems like a rant and I guess it may be, but really more than anything it is a form of reflection and explanation.

We are not currently looking for a male or a male/female couple to spend our life with. Why? Because, even though I consider myself bi-sexual I currently have no desire to be with another man. I know that at any time I can talk to my husband about any desires that I may or may not have to be with another man or men for that matter. My lack of current desire does not mean that I am not poly. This does not mean that I think my way is the right way and that someone else’s is wrong. Point of the matter is I do not think there is a right way or a wrong way to “be poly”. What fits for one family may not fit for the next.

Please don’t judge our  Poly.

A note about the format of this piece: I (Êta) wrote all of my article on my own, but since this is an issue that affects both of us I asked Rho to share his viewpoints as well. We then edited the entire piece for flow, and separated out the parts written specifically by Rho. Hopefully this doesn’t introduce any confusion. 

Lest we be told that we are being overly defensive (as was suggested to the person who submitted similar thoughts in this post on Modern Polyamory),  please read this selection from The Good Men Project, and take in the tone.  If it were just one article written like this, it would not merit a response. But, we have on several occasions talked to people who share the views expressed in that article…that we are somehow doing Poly ‘wrong’, or that our Poly is ‘bad’. I might add that this has usually been couples who have contacted us on one dating site or another where our profile clearly states what we  are looking for, only to seem shocked when we said that we weren’t looking for a couple. Even then, though, unless they make it clear that a relationship/sex between Êta and the male partner is a high priority we tell them that we’d be willing to see if things work.

-Rho

We are a poly couple and are we seeking a unicorn… that rare find. I found it very shocking that other people that also consider themselves as Poly have stated that because I do want to have sex with, love or have a relationship with another man that I am not Poly. Just because I do not desire an intimate relatinship with another man does not mean I am not a poly person. The term means many loves. So I have chosen to love my husband and another woman(en), this does not make me any less poly than a person that has 2 wives, 3 husbands and so on.

Please don’t judge our Poly.

Another thing I have came across is that people assume my husband does not want me with another man so that is why we live this way. I think that is a shame really. Once again so much judgment is cast. I don’t get all the assumptions. Our marriage is one of love, understanding and a whole lot of communication. My husband has not stated that I cannot be with another man. We do not have the type of relationship that he dictates to me or I dictate to him. We consider ourselves equal and make decisions together. Also we are not so closed minded that we would not consider a different kind of a relationship of any configuration if  there was to be a match. We are both very aware that we may meet people along this path that will cause a desire within us.  As it stands for now, it’s simply not what we are “looking” for.

Really all I am trying to say is that when someone tells me that I am not Poly or I am doing it wrong, I think they need to take a step back. If we ever want to move forward and have true relationship equality for all, we must stop saying what is right and what is wrong. We need to allow people to decide who and what they are. For what its worth… if we never find our Unicorn or if we find something else entirely, it really is OK. I have already  found  so much on this journey, like the power to really love myself and my spouse beyond what I ever thought was possible.

My biggest issue, is that the couple seeking a third for a triad is treated as somehow different than any other poly relationship. Going back to the Modern Poly article as an example, I don’t see how the advice given is specific to a couple seeking a triad. I actually think that RaeRay offers some really good advice, and it brings out a lot of things that we have tried really hard to keep in mind on our journey. At the same time, it’s some of the same advice I’ve always seen given to any established couple wishing to change from a monogamous relationship to any kind of open relationship. Other advice we were given when we first began exploring Polyamory: Know yourselves, and what you want to get out of non-monogamy; know what you have to give to potential partners and relationships; think about how much time you have to devote to pursuing outside relationships were three of the most common things. To suggest that all couples who come out of that thought process with the idea that a triad is what would work best for them that they are being unnecessarily closed, and/or that they are objectifying women is quite presumptuous and rather condescending. Although, I’m certain that those things are in fact true of some of the couples who are looking for a HBB (Hot Bi Babe) or Unicorn.

That’s the problem with terms like “Unicorn Hunter”. They are applied so generally, and every individual case is made to stand for the entire group sometimes for better, and most often for worse.  Maybe all of this means that we aren’t really “Unicorn Hunters”. I think it really means that it’s of no benefit for anyone to judge (even if that judgement only comes in the form of a particular connotation applied to the name “Unicorn Hunter”) anyone’s choices about what kind of relationships they choose to pursue. It’s of far better service to everyone in the community for everyone to kindly support and advise each other.

-Rho

Again, I don’t really understand why there has to be so much debate and a right or a wrong here. What really matters is that the people involved in the relationship(s) are open,honest and respecting of each other.  I think that it is human nature to be “hunting”, seeking something or someone(s). We all have needs and desires.  Something to consider is not only that which is being sought,  but that in which we can give. The discussion and comments are the most important part of community to us. Please leave your comments below,

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